good days and bad

Yesterday was a bad day, and even though I know it's not the case, it made me feel all alone and I kind of fell apart. Mom was nauseous all day and couldn't get out of bed yesterday, couldn't walk across the room to take her meds, so I ended up leaving work early to help her with that (after sitting at work worrying like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs).  We heard from the doctor in the afternoon and found out the nausea was due to the reduction in her steroid intake - happened too fast for her system, apparently.  

But I'm frustrated because, up to now, I thought that she was able to tell me when she really needs me - she has done it a few times so far.  But yesterday she couldn't do that and it made me panic - like oh okay, I need to read between the lines to figure out when "I'm okay Sarah" actually means "I need you - please come over".  I told her - as my friend Jutta said - that it's fine to tell other people that she's okay when she's not, but she HAS to tell her family, and especially me since I'm here and can be there.

I'm a little bit lost today - lost, scared, and feeling very alone.  I had a good talk with Mom's friend Jennifer last night and she reminded me that I'm going to have good days and bad days just like Mom will.  I guess I didn't really think about that, but she's totally right.

Thanks everyone for all of the calls, cards and support.  It's great to see how much love is out there.

I will go over to her apt tonight after my internship to spend the night, take her to chemo in the morning.  I'll find out all of the details of chemo tomorrow and try to report back then, but as a reminder to those who want to visit (and I'm sorry if this sounds at all harsh):  please make sure you're in good health before you visit her. From my understanding, chemo kills the good and bad cells all at once, so her system will be more susceptible to infection, sickness, etc. than usual.  Don't mind me - protective as usual.

Jennifer comes to town with Oona on Saturday morning and I feel like I'm crawling through the desert, trying to make it to that day.  She'll be here for two weeks and I can't wait.