hard

So today was really really hard.  I went to see Mom at the hospital - met our friend Miriam and my Aunt Judi there - and she was so so out of it, asleep, but druggily so.  We literally could not wake her up.  I finally talked to a doctor (one filling in this weekend, not the regular doctor) who looked at her history and chart and said she thinks it's a combination of the pain meds and the progression of the disease. They agreed to lower her dosage of morphine and see how it affects her alertness, and how she then manages the pain.  Their main concern is her comfort, and while I understand that, I know that she doesn't want to exist in this state.  She needs to be in the room. She was a little more alert when I left this evening (a few hours later), but not too much.  She did wake up to eat, and ate even better than yesterday, so that's good.  

Also, Judi bought a little Discman and some headphones for her - she's still in a shared room - and Mom listened for awhile to a recording our friend Carla sent of Nikki Giovanni reading her poems.  She dug that.  Then I decided to try some music.  I put on Alan Ferber's first nonet album, and Mom burst into tears, perked right up, and I could tell was really impacted by the music. Oh the power of music.

When you guys visit, maybe bring some things you can read to her, things to engage her a bit (along with your squeezes and hand strokes).  Also.  The food is less than stellar at this place, and she's kind of beholden to whatever they're offering (no menu really), so bringing little things to eat for her like: cottage cheese, ice cream, a vanilla shake, and other relatively liquidy yummy snacks, would be great.  She's able to chew and swallow, but the liquid(ish) stuff is easier for her.  Calvary will label and keep food for her for up to 48 hours.