She died today, around 3:00 this afternoon Eastern Time, surrounded by many visitors, and very peacefully. My cousin Danielle described her passing as: "she breathed in, and breathed out. Breathed in, breathed out. Breathed in, breathed out. And then we waited for her to take another breath, and she just didn't." So, it was as peaceful as we could have wished for, and she got her wish of not having a long time as a sick person, and now she's just photos and poems and the bits of us that she made better.
There will be a service in New York sometime during the week of May 23. Her remains are being donated to medical research, according to her wishes. If you're on the west coast and want to come to a memorial of some kind out here, let me know--I'll probably host something informal at my house, possibly in a week and a half or so. Sarah will likely have people over on Saturday sometime, but I'll let her post about that.
Love to all.
19 comments:
Janet was my hero... I've said that many times. She lived this life more fully than anyone else I've known and at the most difficult times in my life she helped me learn to fully love myself -- warts and all. The thing is, she saw the "all" more than she saw the warts... I spent a large part of the afternoon in my own thoughts, memories and tears. I know she would not want that but I could not help escape their presence. I decided to try and console myself in the many, many letters and writings that I've been blessed to receive from my hero. I share the following with you and, as the poet herself suggests, I continue to listen to my breaking heart for instruction:
It's hard to be a survivor
even harder I
imagine
to be a victim
a hero
but I don't know
about that.
I only know
about surviving
standing in
the crazy warm
unseasonal wind
wondering
why so many
how so much
grief
can be
concentrated
into
one geography
a single site
listening carefully
to the names
watching the children
wives
husbands
and the ones without
titles.
i will probably never meet them:
i do not
for instance
hear Their Names:
i only see some faces
torn
with the same grief.
how do you measure grief?
we all search the sky
for answers
for relief
none comes
the ones with answers
tell us it's normal,
it will pass
but it's not anywhere
in fact
it gets bigger
not littler
don't tell me about things passing
we are masters at this
as though
our memorials
can put it back
together again.
all the king's horses
and all the king's men
stand in a circle
toss orchids
plant flags
listen
for instructions
from their
breaking hearts.
I will miss you Janet Ward!
Got the word from Eric Kever Ryle this afternoon while we were up in Catskill. What a hole there will be for us in Manhattan now that she's gone. I'm so thankful I got back from Florida to see her once more yesterday morning, even though she wasn't really cognizant of our presence. While I was down in Orlando, I kept going to YouTube to watch and listen to the Frank O'Hara reading she did as a way of staying close. Both John and I watched that again tonight - such perfection. It's criminal that we'll never get to see her Winnie in HAPPY DAYS. Relieved that her pain has ended. Just wish there was something all of us could do to assuage ours. Our (broken) hearts are with you. Keep us posted on the arrangements and if there's ANYTHING we can do, you know we're right there. All our love.
Unable to say anything but let me know how I can help.
Erma
Janet was a gift. Simply that.
I am so sorry, Sarah - Jen - Clancy...and the ever overwhelming force of people who loved Janet as much as I did...as much as I do. After yesterday's blog, i spent this time to find a way to come say goodbye. My heart aches that i could not share in one last moment with her. I barely worked through my day, and mostly thought of her while smiling through my tears. Someday, Sarah - when you are ready, I would love to share with you something i hope can ease any of your pain - just one of those hairs on the back of your neck moments, but i understand that maybe what you need most is a silent love. This is my first real experience with death - on this level.
For those of you who don't know, Janet IS my Godmother...even more so now that she has joined Him in a place I can only imagine fills her spirit with new words, music and laughter.
Even in the many years our closeness dwindled, she will remain the most influencial part of my love for God, poetry, art and music...as i can see she did for many. I will feel her absence like a hole in my heart...even i saw her little before this.
I found this today in my search for something to help me make sense of it...I thought she might have felt the same way....
On Death
Then Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death."
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
- Khalil Gibran
Janet was a blessing in my life. That pretty much sums it up. Far and away the coolest person I ever knew and probably will ever know. She just got it. What can one say about the lessons she left us? Enjoy every sandwich.
Dear jennifer, Sarah and Clancy
Please let me know if there is anything I can do...The picture I had of her blew off the table today when I came home from work. I had my "livestrong" bracelet wrapped around it and somehow it blew off the table. Her picture was sitting on the ground looking up and smiling at me with the background of her 64th birthday celebration at Jimmy's Corner which I was so happy to be at. I'm looking at so many little films I have of her when I was in New York. She was so beautiful, smart, compassionate, able to cut through the bullshit and just be. She was so happy to be where she was in life. I am happy that she is not in any more pain. But I am sad that I can no longer hang with her and tell her everything and anything which I could. I trusted her so much. She heard everything and understood....My Dear Friend and beloved Poet..I love you...
Bern
I feel as though the world should stop for a little while until we all get used to the idea that Janet has gone but then again I'm sure that she will remain a treasured part of my life for ever, as she will for many many people.
My love to Jennifer, Clancy and Sarah especially and I should be honoured to attend a memorial in SF.
Much Love, Alison
I first met her at a reading of one of my plays. Her generosity was so evident from the first words she spoke. And it only grew bigger and bigger with every and any moment I spent with her.
Later we wrote together. Read work together. Created together. Shared rejection notes and enthusiasm together.
And she made me miss New York when I left there a year and a half ago - which is pretty damn hard to do.
I still can't believe it....
I am beyond numb at this news. But I am so blessed to have known her, and I send all my love and strength and good wishes to her wonderful family and friends. A candle burns in her honor in Chicago tonight. Her memory will be with me forever as a reminder of how to live and be.
Kerry
Jennifer, Sarah, Clancy, Judy and fellow "dear, dear Janet friends", my heart and love goes out to each of you. I love Janet and will cherish my memories of her forever. Tonight I've been listening to my favorite cd in the world, "poems by janet ward", crying, laughing, crying. Then I started reading old letters, feeling so very, very blessed and honored to have loved and been loved by my dear friend Janet! Her letters were amazing...I saved them all. Following is a wonderful excerpt I'd like to share (especially with the children), typed on her special typewriter, 16 March '03:
"living in a lighthouse on a rocky coast has always been a particularly fond fantasy of mine, but i question how i might manage the social part of existence, to say nothing of missing live jazz, live theatre, and the general ambient energy on the streets of new york. oh, speaking of which, friday night i was actually shoulder-butted by a young woman who succeeded in knocking me to the ground in times square without so much as a glance back. it was all really ghastly, suppose it must be the equivalent of a fender-bender given all the walking i do here.
so darling casper will be one year old on tuesday, and i am beside myself with longing for hover-craft to whisk me to wisconsin. ah, there's an adjustment for the lighthouse dream: hover-craft just outside the door for spontaneous visits to offspring and grandchildren..."
With all her love...Janet Ward
well i'm sitting in an empty house with an empty heart. i just woke up and the first thing I thought about was Janet. So I prayed that God would heal her completely or take her up to Him where she would have peace. That He has done. But the tears run constantly down our cheeks anyway. I have, along with all the others I can read, been truly blessed by Janet in the year s I've known her since moving to big scary LA 23 years ago. A beautiful woman with a huge heart. Few in this world of over 6 billion have the opportunity to know someone of such character. I'm with you saturday, in spirit. Love to you Sarah, Jen and Clancy thanks for the memories Janet Love Melissa bug
I will savior forever the great memories of Janet and our wonderful times together. Hugs and kisses to Sarah, Clancy and Jennifer and the entire family and friends network during this difficult time.
I'm sorry for your loss. I knew her only a little but she was amazing.
I really can't say how sorry I am and how sad this makes me. Your mom was such a phenomenal source of light and such an extraordinary extraordinary human being and theatre artist, and we're going to miss her a lot. We hope you're hanging in there with everything and wish we could be there with you guys but are all down South working on a play til June. If there's anything we can do please let us know and we're there, and so much love.
Daniel, Addie and Bailey
there are no words adequete. how could there be? oxxoxoxolove, love,love,love,love,love
Janet will be missed. Anything we can do to help, please let us know.
Love,
Peter, Jen, and Soren
so i have to say goodbye..but i know, for i have been told that we shall see her again: some soon, some later.. i suffered so at the deaths of both my daughters until i read the right book..it turned me around & i'm thinking of it today while tears stream down my face remembering that little girl on stage in front of the whole student body singing her little song & doing her little dance..can't even tell you which song it was, but believe it was something shirley temple-ish. then making a flying trip to sf to see steel magnolias & now wishing i'd not missed all the other things.. i did get to see law & order ci, but none of the "non-fluff".
we drove to see clancy & sarah after the birth of casper, & as we passed out of the columbia gorge onto the flatlands of eastern oregon, i said 'look janet-- we're on top of the world'.. she replied with that hysterical grandma emma ward laugh & we were off to the best road trip ever.
my dearest cousin & greatest friend.. (at this moment i can't stand it but it's my own selfishness coming out) i'm happy that you will never age (as old age ain't for sissies), will always be the cutest one of us ward kids, & don't ever have to have another ounce of pain. i can only imagine the great crowd of cheering people there waiting for you.. tell them all hello for me
Jennifer, Sarah, Clancy, and all who are devastated now by the huge loss of Janet... I found out this morning and silently dedicated all of my theatre classes to her, and saw her huge smile as I see it now, radiating from her fabulous headshot.
My heart breaks for you all.
Jennifer, I can't come tonight but please let me know when you will hold the west coast memorial.
Much love,
Gemma
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